Wednesday, October 6, 2010

(sigh) my life stinks. There, I said it. I believe it, so it Must be true, right?
I just had my 54th birthday, with no one to celebrate it with. Oh, wait, my 86 year old mother decided she wanted Chinese food for lunch that Sunday, so that was my "celebration".   My oldest son is ill and lives two states away, so it was impractical for him & the wifey to drive 8 hours to and from just to say happy birthday.  They sent flowers instead. (which were beautiful, and I did appreciate that thought!)
I had just moved the two younger sons back to their respective colleges the weekend before, so traveling in two opposite directions just to bring them home & drive them back was also impractical.  So the whole weekend I parked myself on the sofa, bemoaning my "aloneness". 
   I decided I deserved a birthday cake, so I made my favorite- pineapple upside down cake!  It flopped.  : (   First time in my life to screw up a cake.
   My husband left us on Valentines Day, 2004 for his exwife whom he'd been having a fling with for a very long time.  After a few years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I did realize that "you" can't "make" someone else happy. They either are, or aren't.  It took a long time for me to look at myself and realize that no, I dont NEED someone to "complete" me, I really am a good, intelligent, caring person who survives, even blossoms, without having to have someone else to validate my identity in this world.
Now, THAT BEING SAID, after all my soul searching and therapy (thank you Lord for Mark, my therapist !).. I can honestly say "being alone" is perfectly OK, which is different than just being "lonely"... but I can ALSO honestly say that I've come to the point that I'm tired of BEING alone.  Until now, the mere thought of having a relationship with a man was more than I could handle.  Now that I'm ready and willing for a relationship.... where the heck ARE middle aged, decent men?  I don't do the bar scene.. I don't "know people who know people".. I'm not someone with an "out there" kind of personality who livens up a room with just an entrance.  But like they say, "still water runs deep"... but who would even know ?  
 I leave for work at 7 a.m., get home after 7:30 usually (long hours= not so many hours at home by myself - I get that, and so does my therapist)  Normally work all day on Saturday even though I don't have to.  Church on Sunday, and sometimes Wednesday (if I leave work in time).   Its called avoidance, and I'm apparently very good at it.  : )
   I'm not one of the "beautiful people", so internet places like don't interest me... (why bother, when most men my age would go for the 20-something hot blonde instead of the similar-in-age-average woman struggling to lose weight?) Who could blame them??
  I just don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself, and I'm at a loss what to do about it.  I don't want to be an albatross around the necks of my grown kids, making them feel like, "We'd better include poor mom, she has no life, you know"..  YUCK !
  The women I know are all either married, or in relationships... They do ask me to go places with them, but I feel like such a "third wheel" and I'm very uncomfortable.  The other so-called "friends" of mine basically shooed me away once I was divorced, apparently not so secure in their OWN relationships.. trust me, I didn't want any one elses husband, nor do I now.
  OK, venting complete.  

1 comment:

  1. Im sorry to hear that you have been through so mucch :( Well, happy birthday to you! Even though its late.

    Great blog, its very beautiful! I am following