Friday, October 15, 2010

Ice Cream Sandwich & a Twinkie Chaser !

I truly beleive God is with me in this weight loss journey the whole way. He loves me no matter if I'm skinny as a rail or fat as a cat, but I've really, really been bringing this to Him in my prayer life. I had to honestly and I mean HONESTLY give it up to Him, and that's been so very hard for me. I had to figure out for myself that for a long time, I wasn't overeating out of boredom or simply depression or 'control' (altho control IS a big part of it) ..I believe it was a crazy way to fill the emptiness inside. I was pushing God out and stuffing food in. And trying to fill up the void (which I think was the "void" of being terrified of abandonment) was impossible. And I continually add to that void every time I get stressed, anxious, or if I think a brick in that wall has fallen down....and like a vicious circle , try to fill it up a little more. I can actually picture (now) in my head that bowl of ice cream pushing down feelings that I don't understand or am too scared to deal with... guilt, self-doubt, self-injury, untrustworthiness, Anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loneliness—it all *feels* like hunger. Plus, if I am unattractive, then what man would take a second look, ergo - no chance for rejection & abandonment. Kind of like wearing body-armor. : ) So I sabotage the good intentions I had of "dieting" and stay a fat-cat. Even my MOTHER asked me awhile back why I never wore makeup anymore..she said "you don't even look like yourself..." LOL.. anyway, So now, when I'm making my **healthy** breakfast ~ (not an ice cream sandwich followed by a Twinkie chaser!) ~~I say a little prayer while I"m fixing it, kind of like, "Please Give me the grace, Lord, to not use food to fill my craving for love. In You, Lord, I am filled; When I trust in You I do not need to soothe myself with food. Through Your grace, Lord, help me to respect my own body as a temple of the Holy Spirit." Or sometimes, I imagine Jesus is sitting across from me. I pick up the food, look at Him & say "Thank you Lord for this nourishment". Then take bite or a drink, but keep my "focus" on Him. WIth every bite, I say those 6 little words. Believe me, you CANNOT say that with a bottle of Coke and a bag of Doritos in front of you. LOL. I swear I think it's helping. This body belongs to Him, He just lent it to me for a while, kind of like a new car lease..When the lease is up, they expect the car to have some miles on it, but you certainly wouldn't take it back wrecked ! LOL.. anywhooo.. yes, pray for my soul- searching issues with food and my "lightbulb" talks with God of late, Either He is talking more or I'm listening better.. (pssst..between you & I , I'd lay money on the latter)

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