Saturday, October 16, 2010

Laid back Sunday

Planted some mums in the containers at church today. It felt good to give something back, even if it was just some flowers.

My doctor had ordered another 24hour Holter Monitor test for me because my heart "races" or "gallops" a times. This is the THIRD one I've had to do. It's so ironic, but absolutely NOTHING happens while I wear the silly thing, and I'l be darned within 8-10 hrs of taking it back to the hospital I'll feel a whirr or a thumpety-thumpety- f l o p  in my chest!  She's going to start thinking this is just all in my head if they don't catch it on the monitor.  LOL..

Made a sacrificial pilgrimmage to Hobby Lobby : )   and bought some new Charcoals for sketching.  I still have problems with drawing childrens faces, capturing the correct fullness in the cheeks. Worked on that for a while this evening until the lighting changed in the house. I prefer to draw/sketch in a lot of natural light, I just see better like that.  I was working on shading today, but it's going to take a lot of practice to get where I want to go with this.

Listening to a ToTo concert on D-Tv 101 Tonite. It's so cool cause they are playing a huge arena in Amsterdam, but I got to see the drummer, Simon Phillips at a tiny place called The Baked Potato in Studio City, CA in August with his jazz group.
You can just tell he is the consumate professional..very comfortable in either venue
 I've never seen a drummer play with more finesse.  He never 'beats' the drums, even on loud, rythmic songs. It looks like his hand and sticks just "float:" over the drums and cymbals.  Thank You God for music ! 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Ice Cream Sandwich & a Twinkie Chaser !

 
I truly beleive God is with me in this weight loss journey the whole way. He loves me no matter if I'm skinny as a rail or fat as a cat, but I've really, really been bringing this to Him in my prayer life. I had to honestly and I mean HONESTLY give it up to Him, and that's been so very hard for me. I had to figure out for myself that for a long time, I wasn't overeating out of boredom or simply depression or 'control' (altho control IS a big part of it) ..I believe it was a crazy way to fill the emptiness inside. I was pushing God out and stuffing food in. And trying to fill up the void (which I think was the "void" of being terrified of abandonment) was impossible. And I continually add to that void every time I get stressed, anxious, or if I think a brick in that wall has fallen down....and like a vicious circle , try to fill it up a little more. I can actually picture (now) in my head that bowl of ice cream pushing down feelings that I don't understand or am too scared to deal with... guilt, self-doubt, self-injury, untrustworthiness, Anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loneliness—it all *feels* like hunger. Plus, if I am unattractive, then what man would take a second look, ergo - no chance for rejection & abandonment. Kind of like wearing body-armor. : ) So I sabotage the good intentions I had of "dieting" and stay a fat-cat. Even my MOTHER asked me awhile back why I never wore makeup anymore..she said "you don't even look like yourself..." LOL.. anyway, So now, when I'm making my **healthy** breakfast ~ (not an ice cream sandwich followed by a Twinkie chaser!) ~~I say a little prayer while I"m fixing it, kind of like, "Please Give me the grace, Lord, to not use food to fill my craving for love. In You, Lord, I am filled; When I trust in You I do not need to soothe myself with food. Through Your grace, Lord, help me to respect my own body as a temple of the Holy Spirit." Or sometimes, I imagine Jesus is sitting across from me. I pick up the food, look at Him & say "Thank you Lord for this nourishment". Then take bite or a drink, but keep my "focus" on Him. WIth every bite, I say those 6 little words. Believe me, you CANNOT say that with a bottle of Coke and a bag of Doritos in front of you. LOL. I swear I think it's helping. This body belongs to Him, He just lent it to me for a while, kind of like a new car lease..When the lease is up, they expect the car to have some miles on it, but you certainly wouldn't take it back wrecked ! LOL.. anywhooo.. yes, pray for my soul- searching issues with food and my "lightbulb" talks with God of late, Either He is talking more or I'm listening better.. (pssst..between you & I , I'd lay money on the latter)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

DID, MPD, integration

Been very high strung for several days.  I've been diagnosed with DID for several years now.  Although I'm considered very high functioning patient, sometimes it's so frustrating.  I guess with the extra stress at work and all, things are "revved up" inside. I've always heard snippets of 'conversations' or comments in my head..but yesterday was the first time it happened all day long.  Even to the point of hearing someone say my name as if trying to get my attention.  I share an office with one other woman, and I know I said "What?", or "huh?".. "were you talking to me?" at least 20 times.  I could have sworn that If I'd just turned my head a tiny bit to the right, there would've been someone standing there. Talked to my therapist about it and he sees that we have made a lot of progress lately, and parts are trying to integrate. I'm not sure I really want that...or even like it.. I'm OK with me, so what if I DON'T like how some other part acts, or if they have an awful personality ?  I'm smart enough to know that I'm NOT 20 different "people"..but we are all parts of a whole.  I'm just satisfied with MY part of the whole.  Take Joannie for instance, she's a complete and total B*tch, very in-your-face, and doesn't take crap from anyone. thats not me!  I'm closer to being a doormat, shy (not excessively), and submissive for the most part.
       There's Penny, who is well, "loose" to put it mildly.  I can't help it, I'm not proud of it, nor can I control it.  I found out this morning that she/me was in chat rooms for the past several evenings. I find that disgusting and a complete waste of time.  She has not acted out like that in probably 2 or 3 years at least.
       There are several other parts, each with a specific and direct purpose.
        We went through a lot of sexual, physical and emotional abuse from infancy and this is a result of self protection.  God had a plan, and of that I am certain. But right now, everything is just so muddled up. I'm not ME, I'm not someone ELSE. Apparently there is one in particular that is slowly merging with me.  My therapist, Mark, can see it.. I honestly can't right now, or maybe I just don't want to.  It scares me..the thought of not being just 'me', even though I've NEVER been just me !  How convoluted can you get ?!?!  LOL  
  I have this picture in my head of how me and the alters work, perhaps... I see several rivers.. some large, some small, all flowing in the same direction to the ocean.  Perfect one-ness would be all of us merged into the ocean. But right now, at least THIS "me" part...the outside part... is at that wierd place where the river water meets the ocean..not 100% salt water, but not fresh water, either.. "all muddled up".  I feel a tiny, tiny bit different inside and that scares me because I don't feel like myself. I'm not comfortable with this changing, this integration.  I "know" in my heart and head, intelligently that the general population are "one" with themselves, but just because everyone else is - does that make it right for me? I have survived and sometimes flourished being fragmented, so I don't know whose big idea inside it was to go and make changes at this stage of my life !!  LOL
   Maybe David Bowie is right~~
Changes
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

busy, not lazy

I haven't posted anything all week... such a lazy bum.  Actually, I've been working late all last week. And that, my dear readers, stopped today. I work for a law firm, and good for me (not so good for "the other side"), business is booming.  One lady left the firm in February, and since then I've been doing MY job, and 90% of hers.  I don't want to be seen as inept, or uncooperative so I go in early, stay usually at least 2 hours over, and go in on Saturdays for anywhere from 3-4 hours to all day.  Now mind you, I'm doing this on my own, simply to try to keep my head above water.  The attorney knows I'm swamped and has always seemed to appreciate the extra effort.  Appreciated, but not paid, since I'm trying to save my own skin, I assume.  It's not about the money or lack thereof, or the overtime.  I love my job and actually enjoy the time to work when everyone else is gone.  What really ticked me was when I walked in my attorney's office, he was all stretched out, feet up & had a large book in his hand.  I laughed and asked him what was he doing all lounged back in his "lazy-boy".  The flipped the book from one hand to the other and said, "I'm weighing your fate"... Surprised, I asked what was he talking about. He responded something the the effect that I was behind in my calls (We also do collection calls for a healthcare provider) and he was trying to determine whether to keep me or not.  Now, he has a wry, sarcastic sense of humor and ENJOYS zapping someone when their guard is down. I'm used to that, and usually I just zing him right back, but this absolutely floored me.  And made me angry and frankly, unappreciated.  Yes, I was behind in my calls for sure, but dang it..what about all the other stuff that wouldn't get down if I didn't do it ?? The "normal" weekly hours for our department is 37.5,   I average 50 !!  I realize now that the more I contribute & the more hours I put in aren't really "getting" me anywhere.  Why should I try to do the job of two people when it's obviously not realistic?  I'm not a refridgerator...you can't just plug me in and I'll just mindlessly keep churning out the work.   Today, I actually left at 4:30, and was proud of myself.
   So, the brain said... "Ms. J, if you are going to put in 50 hours a week in "work", why NOT get paid for the extra hours?"  Right now for several reasons, I can really use the extra income so I applied at various places.. Bath 'n Body, DressBarn, Target, Michaels, A.C.Moore to name a few.. (Sunday night I was up till 2 a.m. applying anywhere and everywhere online).. Lo and behold, A.C.Moore called Monday for me to come in for an interview the next evening.  He said he'd been interviewing since lsat Friday and had only two people he was really impressed with...me and another lady ! So,  he gave me a "conditional" offer of employment for nights/weekends pending the outcome of a background check.  That shouldn't be a problem, although like 20 years ago I had an issue with a bouncy check : (      and went to court about that.  Court costs and everything was less than $100 so I wasn't a tremendous "crime", but I hope that doesn't affect them hiring me.  If a large law firm will hire me with that, then surely a craft store will.  I hope !!
   Working in a Craft Store for me is like a little girl waking up in a Barbie Dreamhouse ! Surrounded by all the neatest things ! I am excited to start... hope they put me in the Scrapbooking department --I'd be downright giddy !

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

(sigh) my life stinks. There, I said it. I believe it, so it Must be true, right?
I just had my 54th birthday, with no one to celebrate it with. Oh, wait, my 86 year old mother decided she wanted Chinese food for lunch that Sunday, so that was my "celebration".   My oldest son is ill and lives two states away, so it was impractical for him & the wifey to drive 8 hours to and from just to say happy birthday.  They sent flowers instead. (which were beautiful, and I did appreciate that thought!)
I had just moved the two younger sons back to their respective colleges the weekend before, so traveling in two opposite directions just to bring them home & drive them back was also impractical.  So the whole weekend I parked myself on the sofa, bemoaning my "aloneness". 
   I decided I deserved a birthday cake, so I made my favorite- pineapple upside down cake!  It flopped.  : (   First time in my life to screw up a cake.
   My husband left us on Valentines Day, 2004 for his exwife whom he'd been having a fling with for a very long time.  After a few years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I did realize that "you" can't "make" someone else happy. They either are, or aren't.  It took a long time for me to look at myself and realize that no, I dont NEED someone to "complete" me, I really am a good, intelligent, caring person who survives, even blossoms, without having to have someone else to validate my identity in this world.
Now, THAT BEING SAID, after all my soul searching and therapy (thank you Lord for Mark, my therapist !).. I can honestly say "being alone" is perfectly OK, which is different than just being "lonely"... but I can ALSO honestly say that I've come to the point that I'm tired of BEING alone.  Until now, the mere thought of having a relationship with a man was more than I could handle.  Now that I'm ready and willing for a relationship.... where the heck ARE middle aged, decent men?  I don't do the bar scene.. I don't "know people who know people".. I'm not someone with an "out there" kind of personality who livens up a room with just an entrance.  But like they say, "still water runs deep"... but who would even know ?  
 I leave for work at 7 a.m., get home after 7:30 usually (long hours= not so many hours at home by myself - I get that, and so does my therapist)  Normally work all day on Saturday even though I don't have to.  Church on Sunday, and sometimes Wednesday (if I leave work in time).   Its called avoidance, and I'm apparently very good at it.  : )
   I'm not one of the "beautiful people", so internet places like Match.com don't interest me... (why bother, when most men my age would go for the 20-something hot blonde instead of the similar-in-age-average woman struggling to lose weight?) Who could blame them??
  I just don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself, and I'm at a loss what to do about it.  I don't want to be an albatross around the necks of my grown kids, making them feel like, "We'd better include poor mom, she has no life, you know"..  YUCK !
  The women I know are all either married, or in relationships... They do ask me to go places with them, but I feel like such a "third wheel" and I'm very uncomfortable.  The other so-called "friends" of mine basically shooed me away once I was divorced, apparently not so secure in their OWN relationships.. trust me, I didn't want any one elses husband, nor do I now.
  OK, venting complete.