Wednesday, October 13, 2010

DID, MPD, integration

Been very high strung for several days.  I've been diagnosed with DID for several years now.  Although I'm considered very high functioning patient, sometimes it's so frustrating.  I guess with the extra stress at work and all, things are "revved up" inside. I've always heard snippets of 'conversations' or comments in my head..but yesterday was the first time it happened all day long.  Even to the point of hearing someone say my name as if trying to get my attention.  I share an office with one other woman, and I know I said "What?", or "huh?".. "were you talking to me?" at least 20 times.  I could have sworn that If I'd just turned my head a tiny bit to the right, there would've been someone standing there. Talked to my therapist about it and he sees that we have made a lot of progress lately, and parts are trying to integrate. I'm not sure I really want that...or even like it.. I'm OK with me, so what if I DON'T like how some other part acts, or if they have an awful personality ?  I'm smart enough to know that I'm NOT 20 different "people"..but we are all parts of a whole.  I'm just satisfied with MY part of the whole.  Take Joannie for instance, she's a complete and total B*tch, very in-your-face, and doesn't take crap from anyone. thats not me!  I'm closer to being a doormat, shy (not excessively), and submissive for the most part.
       There's Penny, who is well, "loose" to put it mildly.  I can't help it, I'm not proud of it, nor can I control it.  I found out this morning that she/me was in chat rooms for the past several evenings. I find that disgusting and a complete waste of time.  She has not acted out like that in probably 2 or 3 years at least.
       There are several other parts, each with a specific and direct purpose.
        We went through a lot of sexual, physical and emotional abuse from infancy and this is a result of self protection.  God had a plan, and of that I am certain. But right now, everything is just so muddled up. I'm not ME, I'm not someone ELSE. Apparently there is one in particular that is slowly merging with me.  My therapist, Mark, can see it.. I honestly can't right now, or maybe I just don't want to.  It scares me..the thought of not being just 'me', even though I've NEVER been just me !  How convoluted can you get ?!?!  LOL  
  I have this picture in my head of how me and the alters work, perhaps... I see several rivers.. some large, some small, all flowing in the same direction to the ocean.  Perfect one-ness would be all of us merged into the ocean. But right now, at least THIS "me" part...the outside part... is at that wierd place where the river water meets the ocean..not 100% salt water, but not fresh water, either.. "all muddled up".  I feel a tiny, tiny bit different inside and that scares me because I don't feel like myself. I'm not comfortable with this changing, this integration.  I "know" in my heart and head, intelligently that the general population are "one" with themselves, but just because everyone else is - does that make it right for me? I have survived and sometimes flourished being fragmented, so I don't know whose big idea inside it was to go and make changes at this stage of my life !!  LOL
   Maybe David Bowie is right~~
Changes
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

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